I keep lists. Not organized/to-do/accomplished lists but awful ones. I store these lists in my heart and they record the ways in which people have hurt me or let me down. I didn’t realize that I did this until my mom pointed it out to me and I hated to hear it but only because it’s true. Some people may recognize these lists as unforgiveness or bitterness.

Forgiveness is a strange thing to me. Things happen, people let us down, we let ourselves down, and those things hurt. And when I forgive people, I still remember the pain, sometimes even dwelling on it. In those moments, it’s hard not to feel some frustration or anger. It’s hard not to feel pain and question why. So how much does something not have to hurt anymore for me to truly forgive someone?

I don’t know the answer to this, just like with most things. It’s put me in a humble place where I just have to ask God to help me forgive people like He forgave us. Because if Jesus can beg God for forgiveness for His murderers as He’s dying, I think I can forgive the people who have wronged me. How selfish that I sometimes think my hurt is superior to God’s greatest command to love one another. And Jesus said, “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” [Luke 6:32, 35-36]

I think the next step is verbally telling the other person that you’ve forgiven them (if you can) and asking them for forgiveness for anything you might have done. Sometimes we think that we’re the victim but there are two sides to everything. It’s simply arrogant and prideful for us to think that we’re the only ones who are hurt and that there’s no way we could have done anything worthy of apology. Verbally forgiving someone not only helps us move on from the situation, it also allows the other person to as well. If they never gain forgiveness for their actions, they could dwell in their mistakes and regret forever.

The last part is the hardest. The “dwell” one. We can’t live in the hurt and disappointment. We have to move on. Sometimes drastic measures have to be taken to do this but it is so worth it. Dwelling in past pain will cripple you, it will handicap you and keep you from moving forward. Sometimes this simply means training and disciplining our minds so that we can control the things we let ourselves think about. I’m currently working on this last part. Honestly, I think I always will be. The first two parts are boxes that can be checked but the last is an ongoing step. Which sounds tedious but I’m learning, gets so much easier with time.